When I first came back to Washington in 2012, I really started to get to the roots of why I was the way I was. I believe I was 32 at the time. I started tracing things back to my childhood. And I think many of us start to do this at some point in our lives for various reasons.
I remember coming to my mom one night and bringing her out to the living room. I told her how I felt about my dad and how he treated me as a kid. I don’t remember her reactions but it really didn’t do any good. It’s not like it changed him or the past. She said I should talk to him but I went my whole life avoiding him. I didn’t know how to express myself to him.
I realized that a lot of my anger and rage was stemming from my relationship with him. I go into this more in my Post “My Dad and my Father”.
This is it.
After that last fight with my ex, I knew that I couldn’t go on like that. I felt like any woman that got close to me was going to get hurt. I was so ashamed and very conscious of my weaknesses. I felt exposed. The side of me that I hated had come out. I lied to myself thinking that I was better over time but the truth was, I was getting worse.
It wasn’t the women I was choosing or women in general. It was all me.
I just wanted to run away from my life and myself. I felt like that for a while. And that’s what I did. I abruptly quit my job, hopped in my Thunderbird and went east.
My father; my Father.
I spent a total of five days in Montana. I was stuck wondering if I should go to where my sons were or somewhere completely new. It was a rush decision to leave Washington and poorly planned. I ran out of gas that first day. Direct deposit was four days away.
I spent those remaining days doing what was familiar to me-living out of my car. I ate at a McDonald’s rationing the little bit of change I could scrounge up in the car. Other than that I read the Bible and prayed.
For a while, I had been wrestling with my Faith over forgiving my dad. There was a verse that kept convicting me that I couldn’t ignore: 1John 4:20. I wanted to have pure intimacy with God and if my issues with dad stood in the way, now was the time to deal with it.
According to that verse, there was no way I could truly love my heavenly Father and just disregard my earthly father. At some point my dad either called me or I called him. I don’t remember. But it was then that I let it out and told him the things I remembered. He didn’t remember much but he did apologize somewhat.
I felt emboldened. This was the man that I felt bullied me as a child and made me feel frozen around him into adulthood. But that day, I finally stood up for myself like I should have long ago. He wasn’t going to have the same power over me that he always had.
When we hung up, I felt like I could finally move on with my life and have nothing standing between me and God. When my direct deposit came through, I left for home that hour(3am); ready for a new life. I felt that could be the beginning of my healing process and a closer walk with God.
I know this post was a little short and there is more to tell about my time in Montana. Honestly, Montana rubbed me the wrong way. I may have detailed it in my journal and do plan on publishing entries from that time.
It’ll be worth the read. Subscribe and look out for it.
What about you?
Was there or is there someone in your life that you have trouble forgiving? Do you have a past relationship that still needs closure?
What was your resolve and how are you managing? This is a subject that I think touches many of us and I hope to get many responses. Share your experience with me.
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Much thanks to for reading this far. 11 is next.
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